These are some basic psychological realities that I wish I had assimilated long ago. I would have gladly traded my advanced degrees for an actual realization of these basic truths. I believe it would’ve made a real difference for me in how I operated in my life on a daily basis, including a significant reduction in needless mental suffering. Fortunately, as long as we’re alive and conscious, it’s not too late to grow and evolve.
These are taken from a book by Richard Carlson, Ph.D, and while it came out originally in 1997, some of these concepts have been articulated elsewhere by others, in some cases by ancient spiritual teachings. Carlson’s book expresses these concepts in very simple language that anyone can understand and relate to, no matter what their background. Some may seem so obvious that they feel simplistic when we read them, but the fact that we regularly fail to incorporate this wisdom suggests that these concepts need to be better absorbed.
I’m summarizing these principles here as briefly as I can, and have condensed them in order to present the highlights. Carlson chose the title “You Can Be Happy No Matter What”. I wish he had used the phrase “at peace” instead of happy. Imo, what many of us think of as “being happy” comes and goes, but a sense of being at peace no matter what the trauma/drama du jour is, feels like more of a do-able thing.
Principle of Thought: Your thoughts are not “reality”, no matter how much you’ve convinced yourself that they are at any given moment. They are an attempt to interpret a given situation. Thoughts are cranked out by your mind every waking moment because that’s what our human minds do. We think the way we do because of our own individual thought systems. Thought systems are complex, perfectly woven patterns of thought and past experiences, linked together into concepts, beliefs, expectations, and opinions. Your thought system uses past information to interpret the significance of everything that happens in your life. Our thought systems lead us to believe that we are realists and that the way we see life is the way life really is. (Buddhists know this as egoic mind, or conditioned mind).
Principle of Moods: Our moods change frequently. When you’re in a high mood, things look and feel good. When you’re in a low mood, things don’t look or feel good; you tend to start convincing yourself of what’s wrong with, well, pretty much anything. Or everything. And often, with the people in your life – and everyone else “out there”. Don’t make decisions about your life, try to solve problems, or tackle issues in a low mood. If there truly is an issue, it will still be there when you’re in a better place emotionally. We are never in one place emotionally for too long. Stop trying to “fix things” from a bad mood (which seems to be almost a compulsion for so many of us).
Principle of Separate Realities: It’s impossible for two human beings, no matter how much they have in common, to see things in precisely the same way. The nature of individual thought systems is such that no two people have the same thought system. Each of us sees life from our own separate reality, our own interpretation of life, our own frame of reference. We don’t question our own version of reality because to us, it always seems to be true. And people spend their lifetimes proving to themselves that their personal version of life is valid, realistic, and correct. We all do this; unaware until we bring this insight to mind.
Principle of Feelings: Our feelings tell us, with complete accuracy, when our thinking is dysfunctional. When we think, we immediately feel the effects of our thoughts; it happens in an instant. When we aren’t caught up in thoughts systems, our feelings remain peaceful, positive. This is the state of mind from which new, creative ideas evolve. Negative feelings let us know that we are seeing life in a distorted manner, and remind us to drop the thinking which is coming from a distorted and habitual frame of reference. Again: Don’t trust your feelings in a low mood. In a low mood, your thinking and therefore your feelings will always be distorted. When you’re feeling good, you are much better equipped to handle or solve any problem that arises.
The Principle of the Present Moment: The only way to experience genuine, lasting contentment, peace, satisfaction, or happiness is to learn to live your life in the present moment. When your attention is primarily in the present moment, the bulk of your experience comes from a place of wisdom rather than reactivity. Wisdom helps you keep your bearings and perspective. When your attention is mired in the past or future, it’s likely that your quality of life will diminish. This doesn’t mean that every moment of your life should (or ever will) be spent focused in this moment, only that it’s important that this happen more often than not. Many people live as if the past is the power running their lives. Your past, as it actually exists today, is nothing more than the thoughts you have about it. When mind spins forward toward worries, concerns – or backwards toward regret and past hurts – we can actively observe our mind and make gentle mental adjustments, suggesting to ourselves that we bring our attention back to the present (“whoops, there I go again!”). The present is the only place our life actually exists.
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